NB: I am writing about the days I did street engagement work among the unhoused population as a way of dealing with the trauma I experienced there. – HH
A few years into my work among the unhoused, I was making maybe $1200 a month doing this work, and it took all of my time. I was making ends meet (barely) by selling hotdogs on weekend nights on the corner between a porn shop and the leather bar.
When I talked about my work in churches (which was my major source of funding at this point), I was either revered or ridiculed – there was little middle ground. I was dispirited and exhausted.
So when I was invited to contribute a chapter to a book about love by a Christian publishing house, I got really excited. At that point, I was just desperate to be taken seriously.
If you are a creative person, there is no end of people who will want to exploit you for their benefit. For example, this particular project offered no pay for my work (other than the exposure and 1 free author copy). I assume the other 40 some odd contributors also were unpaid, but some of them were big names at the time, so maybe the headliners got paid and I didn’t. I have no idea. I just know I didn’t.
The publishing company would later go out of business, and while the book is still available on Amazon, I won’t link to it here, because when my author copy came in the mail (there is no feeling like holding a book in your hand that holds your words) the first thing I noticed is that it looked and felt cheap. The second thing was that it was full of typos. And then I saw that they had changed my story.
I don’t just mean it was edited – I expect and welcome edits, especially copy edits. No, the editor of this book literally changed the story I submitted, literally giving me interior dialog that suited their narrative, and that made it more “Christian”.
It might have been different if I had made the story up, but this was a real thing I had experienced. The struggles I felt were real. The whole point of my story was that love was hard, and the edits changed that narrative. They changed what I thought, what I believed.
I felt betrayed. I was already sick of a church industrial complex more interested in making things suit their narrative than reality. It was neither the first or the last time the world of professional Christianity would make me feel like I was being used.
Here is the story as I wrote it.
A Harsh and Dreadful Love
I’m not a huge fan of modern country music – but I love Johnny Cash.
I know, I know, everybody loves Johnny Cash. Now. But not many people were showing him any love back in the early 1990’s. He was washed up. Forgotten. Out of date. Just plain…old.
But I was a true believer. I have always loved Johnny Cash, even when it looked like his career was over. I have digital copies of his entire discography.
Every. Single. Album.
I know the words to all of the songs, even the bad ones (If there were bad ones – a point I am not entirely willing to concede).
I love Johnny Cash.
And I also love my wife. But while my wife and I, like any married couple, have our ups and downs, Johnny and I have never had a bad day. It’s always been smooth sailing between Johnny and me. Johnny has never been upset when I forgot the milk. I have never snapped at Johnny because I couldn’t find my shoes.
But that is because Johnny and I don’t have a real relationship. I never met Johnny Cash. He never knew my name. All I have is his music and the meaning I place on that music and the feelings and emotion I put on him. It turns out, Johnny and I hate the same people.
But that’s because I really just love the idea of Johnny Cash.
Meanwhile, my wife and I have a real relationship. On some days it is a lot like heaven, and other days it reminds me of the other place. Sometimes, it’s an act of sheer will to reach the end of the day. But that is because it is a real relationship, involving real people and real pain and real feelings.
In the Gospels, Jesus says the entirety of scripture can be summed up in just two statements:
Love God with all you have in you. Love your neighbor as yourself.
Love God, and love your neighbor. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? I mean, who can be against loving your neighbor? Hearing this over and over in our liturgies and our devotions for over two thousand years, we have lost sight of the radical nature of what Jesus is proposing.
Because it’s not just “Love your neighbor”. It’s “Love your neighbor as yourself”.
What does our loving our neighbor have to do with my love for Johnny Cash?
Simply this: I don’t love Johnny Cash – just the idea of Johnny Cash. And we’re much better at loving the idea of our neighbor than we are at actually loving our neighbor.
In The Brothers Karamazov, a young widow is speaking to the wise old priest. She confesses her dream of serving the poor, of tending the wounds of the sick, of feeding the hungry. But she is concerned: What if the poor are unappreciative? What if they are rude? What if they are petty and demanding?
The priest tells her that “Love in practice is a harsh and dreadful thing compared to love in dreams”.
It is into this harsh and dreadful reality that Jesus calls us.
* * *
Erica is a pain in my ass.
No matter what spin I put on it, she just isn’t a very nice person.
Erica is one of the many at-risk people I work with every day. She is constantly on the brink of homelessness and several times a year ends up in a physical relationship where she gets physically abused. To protect herself, she has learned to be the abuser, not the abused. She is rude and angry and, often, very drunk.
On Saturdays and Sundays, we have ‘Breakfast in the Park’, our little meal sharing initiative where we bring coffee and sausage and biscuits to the park and share with whoever comes. No agenda, other than sharing from our abundance.
When she shows up, however, Erica always has an agenda. She breaks in line. She pesters folks for money. She bitches about the color of the free jacket we gave her or that Stephanie got a nicer one than she did. If you don’t watch her, she will get back in line, ostensibly to get another jacket or pair of shoes for her ‘cousin’, which will actually end up on Martin Street, traded for her drug of choice.
If that was not enough, Erica is a first class bigot, too. She yells at the Latino men she imagines are trying to cut in front of her. Since Erica is Black, this adds a delightful bit of racial tension to our little gathering.
I often wish she would just go away.
Just before Christmas, it hit a new level. Samir is a delightful Indian man who always lives in that gray area between housed and homeless. He is always smiling and happy, and I have seen him take shoes we have given him and give them to someone who needed them more. He is not just a guest of ours – he is also a volunteer, helping us set up the tables and unpack the vehicles. I wish I had 100 volunteers just like Samir.
Erica was at the head of the line. Samir was wrestling the coffee urn from the car when Erica shouts “I don’t want that A-rab touching my food. He looks like a terrorist or something”.
I blew my top. “Shut up! Just shut the hell up!” I shout at Erica. “Samir is my friend and our guest – just like you are. If you don’t want food Samir has touched, you can leave.”
She mumbled something under her breath – I am not sure what it was, but I am pretty sure it was not “I love you”. She took her food and coffee and marched away, quietly, for which I was thankful.
The next week, I saw Erica coming down the sidewalk toward where we were setting up. Samir, who was unloading the coffee, saw her first and pointed her out to me. I thought, “Oh boy! Here we go again…” I had this bad feeling in my gut – like when you see the train wreck coming, but really can’t do anything about it. But she surprised me.
She comes up to me.
“Hugh,” she said. “I owe you an apology. I am sorry for the way I acted last week. I was wrong, and you were right to chew me out. Are we still friends?”
You can look at this one way and believe that nothing has changed. Erica is still a liar and a thief, and her presence still brings tension to the group when she shows up. On another level, she at least owns up to her end of the relationship, and that is not a small thing at all. And I have come to realize I had not loved Erica as I did myself – I only loved Erica as I wished she was. I loved my idea of Erica. No wonder she kept disappointing me.
Several weeks into this new aspect of our relationship, Erica and I are not yet pals, but we are civil to each other when we run into each other, which is often. Last time I gave her a biscuit, she said thank you and I didn’t want to punch her, so maybe she has traveled a bit farther than I have. But we are working on it.
John the evangelist tells us that God is love, and that God loved the world. If the world has any hope of redemption, that redemption is only going to come about because of love. But it won’t be the love of dreams, but the harsh and dreadful love that only comes from real relationships with real people.
Long before we can ever learn to love one another, we are going to have to get to know each other.
Even when it is hard. Maybe especially when it is hard.